Dark Mario

[Pocodudeface]

~Dark Mario~ A fanfiction by Pocodudeface​

~Chapter 1~ Mr. Goomba​

The wind howled through the trees as Mr. Gregory Goomba walked down the alley making his way home after a long day of work. How long can I keep going like this? How many hours of overtime must I work? Why do I risk my life every day for only minimum wage? Why is being a baddy so hard? That’s when Gregory thought he saw something in the corner of his eye. What he thought was a flash of red and black turned out to just be little Goombaria swinging on her swing set after a long day at school. What will I have for dinner tonight? Do I still have any Magikarp left over from last Saturday? Suddenly the scream of a young girl pierced through the cold night sky. Gregory quickly spun around and just had time to see Goombaria being dragged through an alley near her swing set. He decided he better go and investigate. He slowly but surely passed by the now eerily squeaking swing set into the darkness of the alleyway beyond. Mr. Gregory Goomba just had time to see a red M flash before his eyes before he was jumped. Literally.


That's all I have for this chapter, I know it's really short. Please give my your feedback, and let me know if I should keep going.

 

[SupremeGameExpert]

Needs quotation marks

 

[NintenDan]

I agree with SGE, a few quotation marks would help identify when he's talking or thinking. And on that, spacing out every bit of dialogue is good too. So something like this:

[quote name="Awesome person']
The wind howled through the trees as Mr. Gregory Goomba walked down the alley making his way home after a long day of work.

"How long can I keep going like this? How many hours of overtime must I work? Why do I risk my life every day for only minimum wage? Why is being a baddy so hard?"

That’s when Gregory thought he saw something in the corner of his eye.
[/quote]

Other than mere formatting suggestions, everything else about it sounds great, I'd like to see where it goes! Oh, and to be honest, I don't mind short stories; they're easier to read as it doesn't take that long to get them.

 

[supermiikart3]

I have to agree quotation marks would help but if you ignore that one part really amazing and lots of detail! keep up the good work i'll be sure to read more chapters once their done Mr.GREGORY FOREVER