Would you date online?
- Thread starter Lleyn
- Start date
I wouldn't do it through a chat room, maybe get something going but nothing serious. I would want to do it on a site that I could at least get a better grasp if I'm being trolled or something.
yes, I would do it.
yes, I would do it.
Hell no.
I don't need the internet to help me find someone, compared to human history, the internet, and the computer are recent inventions and if the population on this planet and especially in impoverished and under-developed areas, is any indication, people have been meeting and hooking up since long before that.
My parents didn't meet on the internet, neither did my grandparents nor did my great-grandparents nor theirs before them and it would be the safe bet that yours didn't either. I think that these dating sites are nothing more than a scam that has been concocted to get 2 things out of people, money and personal info.
Finding love is not as complicated as you'd think regardless of what scientific formulas and bullshit they try to sell you in these commercials.
It is all in how you carry yourself that makes the difference. There are way too many people on this planet for there not to be someone for everyone and many times over.
Also, there is the fact that, if you come across the freakiest , most twisted people online, not just in chat rooms, forums, and other places of communication, but anywhere, can you imagine what you'll find when you are actively trying to meet someone and get laid?
I think that the internet has provided not only a voice for those who'd otherwise be considered the dregs of society (such as pedophiles and hateful people in general) but it has become a meeting place for them as well, and that is all the more reason I would exclude the internet at all costs when it comes to something at important as my dating and/or sex life, especially when you consider the fact that people lie, and when you give them anonymity and personal motives, that likelihood increases exponentially.
For me, the internet is good for shopping, entertainment, education and all around communication, it is not a place I'd go to find someone that I'd want to be with.
I say this even though, this is irrelevant to me as a happily married woman of 2 years, who has been with the same man for 12 years.
I don't need the internet to help me find someone, compared to human history, the internet, and the computer are recent inventions and if the population on this planet and especially in impoverished and under-developed areas, is any indication, people have been meeting and hooking up since long before that.
My parents didn't meet on the internet, neither did my grandparents nor did my great-grandparents nor theirs before them and it would be the safe bet that yours didn't either. I think that these dating sites are nothing more than a scam that has been concocted to get 2 things out of people, money and personal info.
Finding love is not as complicated as you'd think regardless of what scientific formulas and bullshit they try to sell you in these commercials.
It is all in how you carry yourself that makes the difference. There are way too many people on this planet for there not to be someone for everyone and many times over.
Also, there is the fact that, if you come across the freakiest , most twisted people online, not just in chat rooms, forums, and other places of communication, but anywhere, can you imagine what you'll find when you are actively trying to meet someone and get laid?
I think that the internet has provided not only a voice for those who'd otherwise be considered the dregs of society (such as pedophiles and hateful people in general) but it has become a meeting place for them as well, and that is all the more reason I would exclude the internet at all costs when it comes to something at important as my dating and/or sex life, especially when you consider the fact that people lie, and when you give them anonymity and personal motives, that likelihood increases exponentially.
For me, the internet is good for shopping, entertainment, education and all around communication, it is not a place I'd go to find someone that I'd want to be with.
I say this even though, this is irrelevant to me as a happily married woman of 2 years, who has been with the same man for 12 years.
Possibly, but, I have to meet them in real life in a public place like a mall, arcade, movie theater, park, and other place, and video chat/Skype with them first to make sure I'm not meeting someone who I'm not attracted to, and know how they look like, so I can more easily find them when we both meet offline.
One of my relatives met her husband who she is still married to after many years from an online dating sites back in the day when there were no video, voice chat, or a high resolution profile pictures, text chat and other advance features which are now common on dating sites, and social networks.
A lot of popular YouTubers date other popular YouTubers as well base on watching their videos like iJustine dating FwizGaming, and she used to hang out a lot with Toby Turner who also dated OlgaKay who is also a YouTuber who is popular. Smosh, and Ray William Johnson are also dating girls who are YouTube video makers.
I know of some people who randomly met their lovers while traveling, on the bus, or public places when they were not expected to find love.
I think someday online dating would be like Avatar, The Matrix, Star Trek, Star Wars, and other movies where we use a virtual character which looks like us, but without the dangers of meeting someone who is violent.
One of my relatives met her husband who she is still married to after many years from an online dating sites back in the day when there were no video, voice chat, or a high resolution profile pictures, text chat and other advance features which are now common on dating sites, and social networks.
A lot of popular YouTubers date other popular YouTubers as well base on watching their videos like iJustine dating FwizGaming, and she used to hang out a lot with Toby Turner who also dated OlgaKay who is also a YouTuber who is popular. Smosh, and Ray William Johnson are also dating girls who are YouTube video makers.
I know of some people who randomly met their lovers while traveling, on the bus, or public places when they were not expected to find love.
I think someday online dating would be like Avatar, The Matrix, Star Trek, Star Wars, and other movies where we use a virtual character which looks like us, but without the dangers of meeting someone who is violent.
my only argument BA is that someone you would really love is half way across the planet.
GracefulAssassin
Mori Hater
Nope, never will. I like human contact.
You physically can't tell if you have chemistry with someone unless you actually meet up with them. I'm generally okay with meeting someone online in real life but I would never get romantically involved with them without ever doing so.
If we meet and there's chemistry then I don't see too much issue with the circumstances we were under when we first spoke to one another.
Also, people in previous generations have met and fallen in love with people overseas and lead happy lives so that isn't that far off the Internet thing.
For instance, I have friends who just got engaged after being together since high school while some other friends haven't even been in an official relationship.
I mean, I have personally met various online friends IRL through events like gaming conventions and have had positive experiences 100% of the time (though I haven't ever dated any of them so can't give experiences in that regard). This contrasts to my actual life where I have to deal with scum like drug addicts and rapists hurting the people I care for, so you can probably see why I'm not too quick to judge people online.
You do need to be careful because, like you say, people do lie, but I have found they do that regardless of whether you meet them online or not.
I dunno, just thought I would voice my experiences.
If we meet and there's chemistry then I don't see too much issue with the circumstances we were under when we first spoke to one another.
I would like to point out that you would need to be around 10 years old, at most, for the parent thing to be true, which is out of the age bracket of the forum and kind of a terrible argument to make considering the age of the Internet. Give it another 10-20 years and see how it goes.
Also, people in previous generations have met and fallen in love with people overseas and lead happy lives so that isn't that far off the Internet thing.
It might have been easy for you. Finding love is dependent on a lot of factors, including age, gender, sexuality, personality preferences, appearance preferences, chemistry, etc. Some people have an easier time finding someone who ticks the boxes.
For instance, I have friends who just got engaged after being together since high school while some other friends haven't even been in an official relationship.
It is a bit harsh to collectively call people who date online the most twisted people ever. For the most part people just want companionship. Is that so bad? Plus if a person uses the Internet as an outlet for hateful speech then it shouldn't be too hard to find examples of it, then just choose not to meet them.
I mean, I have personally met various online friends IRL through events like gaming conventions and have had positive experiences 100% of the time (though I haven't ever dated any of them so can't give experiences in that regard). This contrasts to my actual life where I have to deal with scum like drug addicts and rapists hurting the people I care for, so you can probably see why I'm not too quick to judge people online.
You do need to be careful because, like you say, people do lie, but I have found they do that regardless of whether you meet them online or not.
I dunno, just thought I would voice my experiences.
I can't argue with this, but I'd personally, still rather leave the internet for shopping and entertainment purposes. There isn't anything romantic about "ticking boxes" not for me anyway, and if there is someone on the other side of the planet that is an ideal match, then I'd rather travel and meet them in person and if we hit it off, then it'll make for a nice story to tell our kids someday. The only relationship I could ever see having with someone I met online is friendship. If, hypothetically speaking, it evolved into more than that, then it isn't because I met them on a dating site.
I was never making an argument in the first place, I was stating my personal reasons for not dating online. I am only stating my opinion and am not trying to persuade or dissuade anyone from anything nor do I care to. Furthermore, I was comparing all of human history, from BC until today, not just the last 10 years.
Modern man has existed for about 200,000+ years, the internet, (which has existed in a different form since the 60's but unavailable for consumer use) as we know it today, has existed since the 90's, and Match.com, which is credited as being the first dating site has been around since 1995. Both of these are recent compared to modern human history, which is what I was saying. The fact that they have existed for as long as they have, before the existence of both the internet and online dating, and the fact that people have been meeting and hooking up in both impoverished and under-developed areas (as evidenced by the birthrate in these places) is an indication that online dating really isn't as important a factor as it claims to be when it comes to finding love.
This is true. There have been previous generations of people overseas and domestic, who have met and fallen in love, they just didn't rely on the internet or social networking to do it. They either traveled and ended up meeting, traveled in the same social circles, happened to be in the same place at the same time for whatever reason, formed a connection and then kept in touch from that point onward. This has been going far longer than the internet has been in existence, and if anything, this is very different from just ticking a few boxes, in that, it takes away the human element, and it is why I am even less trustful about online dating. But again, that's just my opinion.
Says who? When it comes to love, true love, not lust, many of those traits you list as "factors" wouldn't matter as much, with appearance, race, ethnicity, religion, class and creed being the biggest ones of them all. Finding someone is not as hard as you think. It is all in how you carry yourself and how you come across to others. It is one of those things that happens when you least expect it to.
I know I sure as hell wasn't looking for it, it just happened.. I was only 19 and working at a movie theatre at the time, and both love and marriage were the last things on my mind. Coming off a bad break up, dating and sex were the farthest from my mind. I was only interested in a platonic friendship, and he, was a supervisor who also was in charge of the orientation I attended as a new hire because I started working there for Memorial Day weekend, was one of my best friends at the time we got together at the end of that year, and we're still best friends now. I only intended to be friends with him, but obviously, someone higher up had other plans for us instead.
Good for them, I hope that your friends make it and prove to be the exception, not the rule where high school relationships and marriages are concerned.
Whoa. Hold the phone. Where did I say that people who date online are the most twisted people online? I think you are way off base with that one, because I certainly did not say that at all. What I said was:
I am not referring to those who date online, I am speaking from experience regarding the kinds of people I have come across online, in just these general settings alone. Before I started running my own forum in 2004, I used to run a WinMX chatroom off and on since 2002, that I would set up to talk to people while sharing files.
After dealing with the problems and lack of administrative features from both WinMX and the chatroom software, and then getting inundated with trolls, perverts and having to constantly kick and ban pedophiles from my chatroom, and then reporting them, I shut it down and decided to open a forum instead. I thought that I left the worst of it behind when doing so, but it isn't much better outside of the chatroom.
I was only saying that if I, and I am sure many others, have come across these people and worse, online, when they weren't actively looking to date or get laid, then I'd hate to imagine what kinds of people they'd come across, if they were, and that personally, that would NOT be a chance I'd be willing to take. I was not, I repeat, was NOT saying that those who date online are the same as these people, I wasn't even trying to draw a connection between them.
I have as well and this is exactly why I said in my first point, that if, hypothetically, I were to date someone I met online, it would not be from dating site, where they would have every reason and opportunity to lie and Photoshop their pictures. I have met some very nice people on forums that I have been active at and I could very easily see how plausible it would be for a friendship to develop between people, and obviously, if it is possible, something more than that as well.
In that case, it really wouldn't be any different than the way other people had found someone before these dating sites popped up, because then you still have the human element, and (if both parties are honest) and it wouldn't be any different from the way my husband and I as well.
And yeah, like with anything, it is always important to trust your instincts. They are there for a reason, most just ignore them because they are usually driven by and are more concerned with getting what they want in the moment, and don't care about anything else until it is too late.
I have always trusted my instincts and allowed that, as well as the way a person treated me and stimulated me intellectually to be the major factors when it came to finding someone.
I know two people on Deviantart who met each other and one did travel all the way to great britian to see the other and about a year later they married.
GracefulAssassin
Mori Hater
While that's pretty cool, it's also stupid. What if the person in the UK was a pedophile or something? You can't be too trustworthy of many people on the Internet.
It's not really different from meeting someone via newspapers ads, and only communicating with them via letters, often spending months without meeting them, hearing their voice or even being sure of what they look like. Both methods are pretty similar.
Its pretty sad but factors like appearance, race, ethnicity and the like have always been important when it comes to love. "True love" as you call it happens as often as online relationships that actually work, and even then appearance plays a great role.
Actually a few years ago I came across stats showing that meeting people offline is far more risky than meeting people online and then meeting them offline. The former had a higher rate of rapes, theft, murders, or stalking issues.
And while I have no stats for this one, I believe its an obvious fact that most of these online perverts and pedophiles actually don't have a life and while they act big on the net, they wouldn't even dare to meet a person in real life outside of their comfort zone.
The risks are as great as real life dating. Your gf could be a cannibalistic psychopathic killer waiting for an occasion to take you to a quiet camping spot where she could kill you
In this day and age, I would not be surprised by those statistics, even for offline, but I am still distrustful of dating online, or should I say, dating sites. I would rather meet someone in person, and develop a friendship, a legit friendship, not a "friendship" that is used as a prelude to sex, and if things progress from there, then so be it.
During that time, I want to get to know who they are, what they like, what they don't like, in a genuine setting, without the pressure to impress them in the hopes that you get laid. I think that more people would be honest, if you took away the reasons for them to lie in the first place. If you take dating and sex off of the table, when you are trying to develop a friendship, then they would have more incentive to be honest with you. If they are trying to speed things along or are trying to hard to convince me that they are a good person, or share the same interests I do, then I'll know that that person isn't being sincere. As I have said before, If I were single, I wouldn't join a dating site, I believe that if you give a person an opportunity and reason to lie, they will.
There is a risk to anything, but I think that the reason the stats are higher for offline dating, has a lot to do with the fact that people seem to be stupider today, than they were years ago. Years ago, common sense would be that it isn't a bright idea to go bar hopping when you are already piss drunk, and people didn't do it.
That is not the case today as it seems like some idiotic teen or 20-something did just that and parts of them ended up being found in different locations.
You have many stupid teens out here showing their tits and genitals to whomever they've fallen in love with that week and then being surprised when it ends up being all over the school and on the internet. And yet, despite the consequences, you have even more stupid teens who see this, and end up doing the same exact thing thinking that they will be the exception, and not the rule.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Just look at the drunk driving and texting while driving stats. Despite the fact that it has been proven, and shown to be dangerous to do so, people still do so again and again, accident after accident, and gruesome death after gruesome death.. and it seems to be increasing as well.
I don't doubt that there is a risk when it comes to dating, but we shouldn't discount human stupidity either. People forget that we have instincts and that they are there for a reason, but when you are so stupid as to ignore them, for whatever reason, then anything can happen.
I maintain, that when it comes to true love, none of that stuff matters, because your heart can't tell the difference. If you find your self falling for someone and everything is going well until you find out that they are Catholic when you are Atheist, or are biracial when you thought they were Hispanic, etc., and then heading for the hills, then that wasn't love you were feeling. That was infatuation.
I've never found myself liking a guy, only to cut my feelings off because of his race, ethnicity, etc. because that would only mean that I didn't care about who they were on the inside.. if I am looking for love, then I am not going to put up limits on unimportant things like that.. because I could then be limiting my chances on finding what it is I am looking for.
If race, ethnicity, class, creed, or religion mattered in the the grand scheme of things, then there would be no such thing as interfaith, interracial, etc. couples that have fallen for each other and decided that nothing else mattered more than that.
Race doesn't matter biologically either, and technically, it doesn't exist. The concept of race exists because it was an effective means of dividing and controlling people. It is a strategy that has been proven to work, and it is why we still have the problems we do today. If people focused more on the similarities they share with others, instead of their differences, then this world would be in much better shape than it is now.
During that time, I want to get to know who they are, what they like, what they don't like, in a genuine setting, without the pressure to impress them in the hopes that you get laid. I think that more people would be honest, if you took away the reasons for them to lie in the first place. If you take dating and sex off of the table, when you are trying to develop a friendship, then they would have more incentive to be honest with you. If they are trying to speed things along or are trying to hard to convince me that they are a good person, or share the same interests I do, then I'll know that that person isn't being sincere. As I have said before, If I were single, I wouldn't join a dating site, I believe that if you give a person an opportunity and reason to lie, they will.
There is a risk to anything, but I think that the reason the stats are higher for offline dating, has a lot to do with the fact that people seem to be stupider today, than they were years ago. Years ago, common sense would be that it isn't a bright idea to go bar hopping when you are already piss drunk, and people didn't do it.
That is not the case today as it seems like some idiotic teen or 20-something did just that and parts of them ended up being found in different locations.
You have many stupid teens out here showing their tits and genitals to whomever they've fallen in love with that week and then being surprised when it ends up being all over the school and on the internet. And yet, despite the consequences, you have even more stupid teens who see this, and end up doing the same exact thing thinking that they will be the exception, and not the rule.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Just look at the drunk driving and texting while driving stats. Despite the fact that it has been proven, and shown to be dangerous to do so, people still do so again and again, accident after accident, and gruesome death after gruesome death.. and it seems to be increasing as well.
I don't doubt that there is a risk when it comes to dating, but we shouldn't discount human stupidity either. People forget that we have instincts and that they are there for a reason, but when you are so stupid as to ignore them, for whatever reason, then anything can happen.
I maintain, that when it comes to true love, none of that stuff matters, because your heart can't tell the difference. If you find your self falling for someone and everything is going well until you find out that they are Catholic when you are Atheist, or are biracial when you thought they were Hispanic, etc., and then heading for the hills, then that wasn't love you were feeling. That was infatuation.
I've never found myself liking a guy, only to cut my feelings off because of his race, ethnicity, etc. because that would only mean that I didn't care about who they were on the inside.. if I am looking for love, then I am not going to put up limits on unimportant things like that.. because I could then be limiting my chances on finding what it is I am looking for.
If race, ethnicity, class, creed, or religion mattered in the the grand scheme of things, then there would be no such thing as interfaith, interracial, etc. couples that have fallen for each other and decided that nothing else mattered more than that.
Race doesn't matter biologically either, and technically, it doesn't exist. The concept of race exists because it was an effective means of dividing and controlling people. It is a strategy that has been proven to work, and it is why we still have the problems we do today. If people focused more on the similarities they share with others, instead of their differences, then this world would be in much better shape than it is now.
Well, quoting you, this is the exception, not the rule. Yes there are interfaith, interracial, etc couple out there, but they remain a really small minority.
Its not a question of attraction or love. Its about how they were brought up. A guy might feel attracted to a girl of a different faith, but that doesn't mean that he'll date her. Not because he doesn't like the fact that she has different beliefs, but because in his mind it would be wrong.
This happened to a friend of mine once. He actually dated the girl, and tried to convince her to convert while trying to avoid having her and his parents meeting. This lasted for months until the girl realized it wouldn't change and broke up.
So love is not the only factor in relationships. It is important, but depending on the person, it can be overthrown easily by other factors that might seem stupid or trivial to other people.
GracefulAssassin
Mori Hater
It's easier to learn about people that you know in person than online. If you're careful enough, you can know the person without them knowing you know them. It's called the cops. 
Please note that I am quoting you, not in the order of your post, but rather, by the length of my responses to each point. My response to your point about upbringing is last, because it was the longest one. I am just prefacing this to avoid confusion. 
That depends on where in the world you live and love. Just because a girl or guy is killed for choosing someone of a different faith for "honor" and to maintain the status quo, doesn't mean that they are a minority. It simply means that the rate at which they kill their own is greater than the rate of success for an interracial or interfaith couple.
Good for her. There are far, far too many women out there that stay with a controlling man for whatever reason and lack the courage, and common sense to leave him for whatever reason.
And as for your friend, please don't take offense by this, because it is not my intention. It sounds like he was from one of those religious families in which the rights of the "unknown" is superceded by the unconditional love he is supposed to receive from his parents. I am sorry but neither religion nor my family will be dictating to me as to whom I decide to be with. If my parents love me, then they will support my decisions, even if they don't always agree with them, otherwise, they lose me as well.
It seems like your friend was more concerned with controlling the girl he was dating, that he was with loving her, and he didn't have what it took to do the right thing and stand up to his parents. Even if things didn't work out with the girl for whatever reason, then at least he took a stand on principal and would not allow his feelings to be dictated to by anyone. Unfortunately for him, and the person he ends up with, he will never be courageous enough to stand up for himself and his own beliefs. He will always be looking to cater to his parents.
After a certain point in a person's life, you'll come to realize what is most important to you. Although getting approval from your family makes things easier, it is not a requirement, and in all truth, if a person is going to live their lives pandering to their parent's whims, then they might as well forget about being an adult and having their own life and consider a life plan that allows them to continue living with their parents until the day they die, and possibly an end of life plan after that since they won't know how to live without being taken care of and they will never be full-fledged adults for that reason, and no self-respecting person will want to get anywhere near them because of it.
Part of being a good parent is realizing that your kid will do things that you don't approve of or like, but that you will have to support because you love them and want them to be happy, because at the end of the day, it is their life that they have to live and they are the ones that would have to deal with the consequences of their choices, and all you can do is try to support them when they need it because that is what a parent is supposed to do, and that is what a good parent does, regardless of whatever invisible force tells them to.
Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, and I respect them, but they would be amiss if they thought for one second that I would allow them or their feelings to dictate my feelings toward a person or my relationship with them. If they have concerns, then I will respect them enough to give them the courtesy and respect by allowing them an opportunity to voice them, and I'll do my best to try and allay them and try to get to the bottom of the situation if I feel that it is a legitimate concern, (such as cheating or lying about who he is or his past, etc.) because I do know that my family loves me and are only looking out for me because they wouldn't want me to be hurt, but ultimately, the final decision is mine and at the end of the day, they can either get on board, or they can get out of my way.
It is actually about love, strength and courage. Love takes strength and courage fortifies both, and the three are inseparable. You cannot have one without the other. It is love that can make a person overlook things that they themselves wouldn't find attractive in a person, it takes strength to overlook that instead of running away and it is courage, that strengthens both, even if the odds are against them. You will never know what true love is, if you don't have the strength and courage to be vulnerable to that person. That is why it takes more strength to love than it does to hate.
A person who says that they are attracted to the same women that you see Hugh Hefner with at the Playboy Mansion, and will only date that type, could very easily end up falling for someone who is the complete opposite of that.. and because they had the courage to not run away because that person didn't fit in to that category, they could end up being much happier than they would if they did. If a person's love is true, and is courageous, then their love for that person is strong, and cannot be "overthrown easily by trivial factors."
The only way a person's attraction can be wrong, is if it is to someone in their own family and to a person or being that cannot give it's consent. We are far and away from the times in which incest would be necessary for survival.. and rape is wrong, and that is exactly what it would be to pursue someone that cannot give its consent.
You do make an excellent point regarding upbringing. I was raised by my mother and great-grandmother, (and she also raised my mother) who was abused by White people in the South for no other reason than her skin color. In the 1940's, she and her family moved to New York where she could escape that and give her family a better chance at survival. I used to take care of her before she died, and I saw the lash marks from the beating she used to get from her aunt, who was White, simply because she had dark skin. My great-grandmother was dark because her father was Black, and her mother, was Irish, and both sides of her family had Cherokee blood.
Because of her skin color, instead of having a regular education, she was only allowed to attend school 2 months out of the year and that was only because the ground was too frozen in the colder parts of Winter to plant anything. White people simply didn't want Black people to be educated, even after the Jim Crow laws had been overturned. My great-grandmother did not raise me to be prejudiced against anyone. She always said that as long as the person I am with, loves me and treats me the way I deserve to be treated, then the person I bring home is good with her.
That is a belief that she held until the day she died. The man I dated before my husband was White, (well actually, he was Italian mixed with Irish, German, Scottish and Cherokee) and although we did have our problems, race wasn't one of them, and even though his family called me every racial epithet in the book, in fact, during our relationship, I even learned a few new ones as well, but he did not allow his family or their hatred to intervene in our relationship. He stood up to them and told them that they didn't have to accept our relationship, because at the end of the day, it didn't matter.
He loved me, and wanted to be with me and that was all there was to it and if they loved him as much as they claimed, then they would be happy for him instead of trying to hurt him, and that if they had a problem with me, then they had a problem with him to. My great-grandmother didn't look or think twice about his skin color, or his views on religion, even though she had been given a lot of crap by White people in the South and was a deeply religious woman. She grew like him a lot, because she saw how much he loved me and how much I cared for him, and the way he treated me, that was more than enough for her for him to ok in her book, she even said that we would make pretty kids someday, which I thought was funny because he always blushed when she said it and I thought it was adorable when he did. My family never had a problem with his skin color or his religious beliefs either.
My husband, who would also be the man I dated after my ex, was also the product of varied ethic origin. His mother is Black, with Egyptian and Native American roots and his father is half Spanish (Spaniard) and Italian.
His grandfather was full-blown Italian and his grandmother was half Spanish and half Puertorican. The irony of this is that his grandfather was racist, and did not accept the fact that his son, (my father-in-law) was dating a Black woman, even though, his own wife was biracial and she was not racist at all. Still though, when my husband was born, his grandfather came around. His grandfather was the only one in his paternal family, that had the problem with his mother's race. His aunts, uncles and grandmother accepted his mother from day one, and they all were friends before my husband was born.
On the subject, My late-grandfather, the one who just died last month, was half Cherokee and half Irish, whose love for my grandmother, a Black and Native American woman of Apache and Blackfoot roots. Throughout their entire relationship, they have taken a lot of bullshit for being together. From their families, their friends, the law, the church, and they never let it affect them or their relationship, they ended up leaving the South and moved to New York, which is where they stayed until my father and his brother graduated from high school and went into the U.S.A.F and Marines, respectively. My grandparents had been pulled over, harassed and arrested many times when driving across state lines, simply because he appeared to be White, and she appeared to be Black, which was illegal in the South.
My grandfather always kept it moving by saying that he wasn't White, and that he was Black, but that he was an albino, which was why his skin was lighter than my grandmother's. He figured that if a person would be so stupid and ignorant as to judge a person by their skin color, that they probably wouldn't be smart enough to know what an albino is.. and he was right. Eventually, both of their families came around when my dad and his brothers and sister were born. It was one of those many trips from the North to the South to visit their families that led them to be pulled over constantly by state troopers, looking to meet their quota.
I too, have been affected by my upbringing, but it was that skin color, ethnicity, class, religious beliefs don't matter when it comes to true love. I come from a family of fighters, who had the strength and courage to stand up for what they believe in even when the odds, their families, friends, the law and their own church are against them. They did not falter and run away from the challenge and take the easier path, they met the challenge, head on and they persevered. As I got older, and saw the fucked up things that have taken place on this planet in the name of religion, and throughout history, I decided that religion didn't matter either. Something that allows allows the rape and murder of women and children, and is being used as a tool for hate, has no say in my life, or any decision that I make for myself.
That being said, if a person looks at a person they are attracted to, but decides not to be with them because of their race, religion, class, etc., then that says that they are weak, and do not have the strength and courage it takes to love someone unconditionally, and not because it is "wrong."
That depends on where in the world you live and love. Just because a girl or guy is killed for choosing someone of a different faith for "honor" and to maintain the status quo, doesn't mean that they are a minority. It simply means that the rate at which they kill their own is greater than the rate of success for an interracial or interfaith couple.
Good for her. There are far, far too many women out there that stay with a controlling man for whatever reason and lack the courage, and common sense to leave him for whatever reason.
And as for your friend, please don't take offense by this, because it is not my intention. It sounds like he was from one of those religious families in which the rights of the "unknown" is superceded by the unconditional love he is supposed to receive from his parents. I am sorry but neither religion nor my family will be dictating to me as to whom I decide to be with. If my parents love me, then they will support my decisions, even if they don't always agree with them, otherwise, they lose me as well.
It seems like your friend was more concerned with controlling the girl he was dating, that he was with loving her, and he didn't have what it took to do the right thing and stand up to his parents. Even if things didn't work out with the girl for whatever reason, then at least he took a stand on principal and would not allow his feelings to be dictated to by anyone. Unfortunately for him, and the person he ends up with, he will never be courageous enough to stand up for himself and his own beliefs. He will always be looking to cater to his parents.
After a certain point in a person's life, you'll come to realize what is most important to you. Although getting approval from your family makes things easier, it is not a requirement, and in all truth, if a person is going to live their lives pandering to their parent's whims, then they might as well forget about being an adult and having their own life and consider a life plan that allows them to continue living with their parents until the day they die, and possibly an end of life plan after that since they won't know how to live without being taken care of and they will never be full-fledged adults for that reason, and no self-respecting person will want to get anywhere near them because of it.
Part of being a good parent is realizing that your kid will do things that you don't approve of or like, but that you will have to support because you love them and want them to be happy, because at the end of the day, it is their life that they have to live and they are the ones that would have to deal with the consequences of their choices, and all you can do is try to support them when they need it because that is what a parent is supposed to do, and that is what a good parent does, regardless of whatever invisible force tells them to.
Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, and I respect them, but they would be amiss if they thought for one second that I would allow them or their feelings to dictate my feelings toward a person or my relationship with them. If they have concerns, then I will respect them enough to give them the courtesy and respect by allowing them an opportunity to voice them, and I'll do my best to try and allay them and try to get to the bottom of the situation if I feel that it is a legitimate concern, (such as cheating or lying about who he is or his past, etc.) because I do know that my family loves me and are only looking out for me because they wouldn't want me to be hurt, but ultimately, the final decision is mine and at the end of the day, they can either get on board, or they can get out of my way.
It is actually about love, strength and courage. Love takes strength and courage fortifies both, and the three are inseparable. You cannot have one without the other. It is love that can make a person overlook things that they themselves wouldn't find attractive in a person, it takes strength to overlook that instead of running away and it is courage, that strengthens both, even if the odds are against them. You will never know what true love is, if you don't have the strength and courage to be vulnerable to that person. That is why it takes more strength to love than it does to hate.
A person who says that they are attracted to the same women that you see Hugh Hefner with at the Playboy Mansion, and will only date that type, could very easily end up falling for someone who is the complete opposite of that.. and because they had the courage to not run away because that person didn't fit in to that category, they could end up being much happier than they would if they did. If a person's love is true, and is courageous, then their love for that person is strong, and cannot be "overthrown easily by trivial factors."
The only way a person's attraction can be wrong, is if it is to someone in their own family and to a person or being that cannot give it's consent. We are far and away from the times in which incest would be necessary for survival.. and rape is wrong, and that is exactly what it would be to pursue someone that cannot give its consent.
You do make an excellent point regarding upbringing. I was raised by my mother and great-grandmother, (and she also raised my mother) who was abused by White people in the South for no other reason than her skin color. In the 1940's, she and her family moved to New York where she could escape that and give her family a better chance at survival. I used to take care of her before she died, and I saw the lash marks from the beating she used to get from her aunt, who was White, simply because she had dark skin. My great-grandmother was dark because her father was Black, and her mother, was Irish, and both sides of her family had Cherokee blood.
Because of her skin color, instead of having a regular education, she was only allowed to attend school 2 months out of the year and that was only because the ground was too frozen in the colder parts of Winter to plant anything. White people simply didn't want Black people to be educated, even after the Jim Crow laws had been overturned. My great-grandmother did not raise me to be prejudiced against anyone. She always said that as long as the person I am with, loves me and treats me the way I deserve to be treated, then the person I bring home is good with her.
That is a belief that she held until the day she died. The man I dated before my husband was White, (well actually, he was Italian mixed with Irish, German, Scottish and Cherokee) and although we did have our problems, race wasn't one of them, and even though his family called me every racial epithet in the book, in fact, during our relationship, I even learned a few new ones as well, but he did not allow his family or their hatred to intervene in our relationship. He stood up to them and told them that they didn't have to accept our relationship, because at the end of the day, it didn't matter.
He loved me, and wanted to be with me and that was all there was to it and if they loved him as much as they claimed, then they would be happy for him instead of trying to hurt him, and that if they had a problem with me, then they had a problem with him to. My great-grandmother didn't look or think twice about his skin color, or his views on religion, even though she had been given a lot of crap by White people in the South and was a deeply religious woman. She grew like him a lot, because she saw how much he loved me and how much I cared for him, and the way he treated me, that was more than enough for her for him to ok in her book, she even said that we would make pretty kids someday, which I thought was funny because he always blushed when she said it and I thought it was adorable when he did. My family never had a problem with his skin color or his religious beliefs either.
My husband, who would also be the man I dated after my ex, was also the product of varied ethic origin. His mother is Black, with Egyptian and Native American roots and his father is half Spanish (Spaniard) and Italian.
His grandfather was full-blown Italian and his grandmother was half Spanish and half Puertorican. The irony of this is that his grandfather was racist, and did not accept the fact that his son, (my father-in-law) was dating a Black woman, even though, his own wife was biracial and she was not racist at all. Still though, when my husband was born, his grandfather came around. His grandfather was the only one in his paternal family, that had the problem with his mother's race. His aunts, uncles and grandmother accepted his mother from day one, and they all were friends before my husband was born.
On the subject, My late-grandfather, the one who just died last month, was half Cherokee and half Irish, whose love for my grandmother, a Black and Native American woman of Apache and Blackfoot roots. Throughout their entire relationship, they have taken a lot of bullshit for being together. From their families, their friends, the law, the church, and they never let it affect them or their relationship, they ended up leaving the South and moved to New York, which is where they stayed until my father and his brother graduated from high school and went into the U.S.A.F and Marines, respectively. My grandparents had been pulled over, harassed and arrested many times when driving across state lines, simply because he appeared to be White, and she appeared to be Black, which was illegal in the South.
My grandfather always kept it moving by saying that he wasn't White, and that he was Black, but that he was an albino, which was why his skin was lighter than my grandmother's. He figured that if a person would be so stupid and ignorant as to judge a person by their skin color, that they probably wouldn't be smart enough to know what an albino is.. and he was right. Eventually, both of their families came around when my dad and his brothers and sister were born. It was one of those many trips from the North to the South to visit their families that led them to be pulled over constantly by state troopers, looking to meet their quota.
I too, have been affected by my upbringing, but it was that skin color, ethnicity, class, religious beliefs don't matter when it comes to true love. I come from a family of fighters, who had the strength and courage to stand up for what they believe in even when the odds, their families, friends, the law and their own church are against them. They did not falter and run away from the challenge and take the easier path, they met the challenge, head on and they persevered. As I got older, and saw the fucked up things that have taken place on this planet in the name of religion, and throughout history, I decided that religion didn't matter either. Something that allows allows the rape and murder of women and children, and is being used as a tool for hate, has no say in my life, or any decision that I make for myself.
That being said, if a person looks at a person they are attracted to, but decides not to be with them because of their race, religion, class, etc., then that says that they are weak, and do not have the strength and courage it takes to love someone unconditionally, and not because it is "wrong."
It's easier to learn about people that you know in person than online. If you're careful enough, you can know the person without them knowing you know them. It's called the cops.
Its also easier for them to hurt you when you drop your guard