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Tales of Speed

S

SupahSonicFan

That one guy....
366
2012
67
Awards
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Credits
2,400
Chapter 1:Meeting
Green Hill Zone
(Speedy the Hedgehog,Classic Speedy,Luke the Fox,Classic Luke,Blast the Echidna,Classic Rachel,Rachel the Hedgehog are my fan characters.)
Speedy was running,when his wrist communicator started ringing."Speedy,come over quickly!"Luke said."What happened,Luke?"Speedy said."A portal appeared in my lab!""Dude,I'll come as fast as I can!"So,Speedy rushed to Luke's lab."I hope he's okay"Speedy said.
Luke's Lab
Something was coming out.....
 
Not...bad for a first chaper. |:
(Please note, I am not forcing or telling, i'm helping you out. (Due to an...incident in the past) ) Some constructive criticism:
Structure. You had it going till you kicked off. usually after every sentence a character says it jolts down to the next paragraph. usually does it every time someone speaks.
Ex:
Susie looked all over for the soap. She looked high and low, in every isle, including the frozen section.
Susie walked up to a cashier and asked "Where Can I find soap?"
"Right beside the Laundry detergent," She replied back.
"Thank you very much."

It makes it look nicer.
 
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Thanks for the tips!
Chapter 2:A Blast frome the Past
Luke's Lab
The portal was going wild,radiating with lots of energy.Luke said,"Speedy....the portal is out if control!!!"Ge said,"Don't wirry buddy,I'll....woahhhh!"Robots were coming out,strangely,they looked familiar."How do we stop the robots?"Luke asked.Speedy said,"I " destroy them!!"He started spin dashing every single robot,but then...the portal started sucking them up."Gahhhhhhh!!!!"they said.Suddenly,Blast and Rachel came."Blast,we have to...wahhhhhhhh!!!!"Rachel screaned and she and Blast were sucked in.
Uknown Area
Speedy said,"Where are we?"A voice said,"You and other heroes are trapped in my dungeon!"Speedy thought,Other heros?"Now,I will kill you with my ultimate warrior!"the voice said.Giant footsteps could be heard.Something was coming.......something big....
 
@__@ The image in my head:

180px-Cyclops.jpg
 
Chapter 3:Heros Unite
Uknown Area
"Look!"Luke said.A portal appeared and Blast and Rachel came out."Blast and Rachel,what are you doing here?"Speedy asked."We saw a portal in Luke's lab,and we got sucked..(thump,thump,thump)what was that?"Rachel saud."Holy Crap!"Luke said.It was half mechanical,half Hellhound."Run!!!!"Speedy shouted.They got through the jail cell with Luke's Ray gun.Speedy saw other creatures trapped.Luke blasted all the cells."Thanks!"said Luigi.He,Mario,and Yoshi were sucked into the dungeon,aswell.Along with Kirby,Sonic,Tails,Knuckles,and Amy."Look out!!!"Mario said.Speedy dodged the Mechanical Hellhound.Speedy said,"We have to work together!!"They all engaged....
 
Okay.A bit of advice.

EXPLAIN and/or DRAW your characters.Who is Speedy?What does he look like? What's he like?
Just explain these things to people before you start.
 
Dude,I'll explain now:
Speedy:An orange hedgehog,tan arms,tan oval on his chest like Sonic,and with shoes like Sonic's but blue.He is 17 and he is determined,brave,and cool.He likes to hang out with his friends,save the world,and batteling with his sword with a blue handle and silver blade.
Blast:A white echidna,with locks,and with golden shoes like Knuckles'.He is 16 1/2 and he is brave,hot-headed,and a great friend.He likes to visit Angel Island,practice fight,and being right.
Luke:A red fox,with upped hair like Tails' but orange,and blue shoes like Speedy's.He is 16 and he is super smart,good with mechanics and technolgy,and friendly.He likes to build things,save the world with Speedy,and hang out with friends.
Rachel:A purple hedgehog,with tan arms,tan oval on her chest,pink dress skirt,and red shoes that look like Speedy's.She's 17 and she is friendly,hot-headed,and sassy.She likes to shop,hang with her friends,andLuke.
 
Chapter 4:Yoshian12 to the rescue
Uknown Area
"Gahhhh!!!"Blast yelled.Yoshi,Blast,Amy,Tails,Luke,Knuckles,Mario,and Kirby had been wounded.Speedy and Sonic were left running around.Speedy said,"Time to uncap my sword!!!""Go for it!!"Sonic yelled.Speedy slashed at the Hellhound,but it headbutted Speedy."Crap,I'm on my own."Sonic said.The Hellhound almost killed Sonic,but a figure used it's sword and killed the hellhound.It's Yoshian12!!
 
SupahSonicFan said:
Dude,I'll explain now:
Speedy:An orange hedgehog,tan arms,tan oval on his chest like Sonic,and with shoes like Sonic's but blue.He is 17 and he is determined,brave,and cool.He likes to hang out with his friends,save the world,and batteling with his sword with a blue handle and silver blade.
Blast:A white echidna,with locks,and with golden shoes like Knuckles'.He is 16 1/2 and he is brave,hot-headed,and a great friend.He likes to visit Angel Island,practice fight,and being right.
Luke:A red fox,with upped hair like Tails' but orange,and blue shoes like Speedy's.He is 16 and he is super smart,good with mechanics and technolgy,and friendly.He likes to build things,save the world with Speedy,and hang out with friends.
Rachel:A purple hedgehog,with tan arms,tan oval on her chest,pink dress skirt,and red shoes that look like Speedy's.She's 17 and she is friendly,hot-headed,and sassy.She likes to shop,hang with her friends,andLuke.
Click to expand...
Sounds like a crapload of unoriginal recolors to me.
Also sounds like Speedy visited the Temple of Time and took the Master Sword.
But seriously, think originality, like something a Sonic OC DOESN'T look like.
 
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SupahSonicFan said:
Chapter 4:Yoshian12 to the rescue
Uknown Area
"Gahhhh!!!"Blast yelled.Yoshi,Blast,Amy,Tails,Luke,Knuckles,Mario,and Kirby had been wounded.Speedy and Sonic were left running around.Speedy said,"Time to uncap my sword!!!""Go for it!!"Sonic yelled.Speedy slashed at the Hellhound,but it headbutted Speedy."Crap,I'm on my own."Sonic said.The Hellhound almost killed Sonic,but a figure used it's sword and killed the hellhound.It's Yoshian12!!
Click to expand...

"I'M HERE TO DESTROY PHONES AND CHEW BUUBLE GUM",Yoshian said.

"AND I'M ALL OUTTA GUM."
 
Yoshian12 said:
Then put Billy Mays in part 5, it can be funnier.
Click to expand...

I wish I could express to you how much I am raging right now.
Hey,wait,I can!

I swear to GOD,that would NOT be funny.It'd be STUPID.The man is DEAD,for god's sake.

Why the hell do you even find him funny?Those became unfunny WAY long ago when he died like 3 YEARS AGO.

Stop posting about him.He's dead.No longer funny.
 
Ok.
Chapter 5:More people
Some sort of battle arena
Yoshian12,a hero with a black outfit,celestial bronze sword with grey handel,and plain brown hair."Who are you?"asked Sonic."I'm Yoshian12,warrior.I defeated DarkNess twice."replied Yoshian12."Oh yeah!!!I remember you,but where is DYL,Nintendo,and everyone else?""They left on a secret quest."repkied Yoshian12."Let me heal them."Yoshian12 added.1 hour later...."Dobe."Yoshian12 said.Everyone groaned."Who are you?"asked Luke."No time,let's go!"Yoshian12 said.Thet went to the center of the arena.Then,portals as ppeared.Pac-Man,Mega-Man,Crash Bandicoot,Ms.Pac-Man,Donkey Kong,Diddy Kong,Classic Sonic,Classic Knuckles,Classic Tails,Classic Amy,and Supah Sonic Fan the Lord of Speed came out of portals."Uhhhh....should we bring them along?"asked Rachel
 
SupahSonicFan said:
Chapter 5:More people
Some sort of battle arena
Yoshian12,a hero with a black outfit,celestial bronze sword with grey handel,and plain brown hair."Who are you?"asked Sonic."I'm Yoshian12,warrior.I defeated DarkNess twice."replied Yoshian12."Oh yeah!!!I remember you,but where is DYL,Nintendo,and everyone else?""They left on a secret quest."repkied Yoshian12."Let me heal them."Yoshian12 added.1 hour later...."Dobe."Yoshian12 said.Everyone groaned."Who are you?"asked Luke."No time,let's go!"Yoshian12 said.Thet went to the center of the arena.Then,portals as ppeared.Pac-Man,Mega-Man,Crash Bandicoot,Ms.Pac-Man,Donkey Kong,Diddy Kong,Classic So-
Click to expand...

I'm sorry, but I have to stop right there and commence some more tips.

Tip #2: read tip #1. No, srsly. It makes it look like god does have a physical form. (if you believe in the religious stuff.)

Tip #3: The less characters in action stories the better. I've read the Hunder Games, InkHeart trilogy, Infinity Blade: Awakening, half of the Da Vinci Code and quite a few others, all of which are fairly action based. All of them don't handle really any more than 4 or so characters at a time: one chapter will be about the main characters and another/an extra bit of a chapter for the villain or side character. You have the original characters, which would the the MAX ammount of characters you should have for a chapter. (if you had've put in the "classic" characters in, I most likely wouldn't have read this) but then you added ALL of those extras, holy damn it's too much. If your going to focus on a couple a chapter, then sure, still good. But if they're gonna be in ONE chapter, it's way too much and Most of them will be excluded. Just like the previous 2nd chapter, Mario and everyone else was added in, but got their anus' kicked. I know, it's your story, but you can't just cut characters like that. Last chapter you focused ONLY on Speedy and Sonic. And when I say focus on characters, I don't mean strictly 4 characters; like I said, a couple a chapter and that's LOTS.
And continuing from the "few characters a chapter," InkDeath did this quite often. Let's say One chapter was about Meggie escaping from The Adderheads men, and the next would be about Mo binding a new "White Book" for him. And some of those chapters are LENGTHY.

And please, PU-LEASE fully read this and take it into account. And it also makes it a bit neater as well.
 
Not trying to be a "Mr.IThinkIKnowItAll" because I barely visit the fan work section, but I don't like the idea of requesting yourself as a character to be featured in someone else's work (I'm not pointing out to you or anything Yoshian. I'm just saying in general). Unless the creator himself stated that he'll accepting members to be featured in his OP, then yeah, I understand clearly. But asking them out of the blue while they've already began their work, "Hey, I'm lovin' your story there. You think I can be feature in it as well?" like that, well.... to me, I think it ruins the creator's whole agenda in having to like... Well.. I.. can't really put these into words to be honest.
 
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What Hammer said is true. You can't just go up to a famous novellist and say "HEY NICE STORY CAN I BE IN IT?".

No random stranger is going to offer to take their time to go write up a background and stuff for a person.

And tbh,SSF?

The story is SO BLAND.

This chapter:
Okay,so we see who Yoshian is.
Okay,we get a nice background.
Okay,Yoshian is healing them.
Anything else happens?Nothing exciting?
Wait,Portals?
HOLYWHAT

That's where I stopped.

SSF,you put it TOO MANY FREAKIN CHARACTERS.
A writer writing a story does not just...well,cram in every single character and focus on them all in one chapter. They do it in CHUNKS.

One chapter you're watching a wizard face a witch, next chapter you could see a dragon fighting a knight.

They don't just cram the wizard into the dragon's and knight's fight,they do them in CHUNKS.

So take more TIME,don't just throw things together.

Get rid of a couple of these...Ms. Pac-Man...Crash Bandicoot...Classic Sonic..?

Why are you taking random game characters and smushing them into your story?

They don't seem like they'd fit in a Sonic fan-fic.

Make seperate stories,or just don't include these bajillion characters.

/rant
 
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